Wtf is life?!!

At this big age, I know it’s silly but I really wish someone would tell me what is going . Like seriously! What is life?

I’ve done everything ‘right’. Well, at least to the best of my ability. I made it through high school with all A’s, been working since 15, currently working in a group home, at Home Depot and modeling part time and I’m in college …. Yet I feel like It’s not enough.

I recently got an apartment and soon after started feeling really down. I thought the depression bug was creeping back in so I went to stay with my parents. That got old quick. So after two weeks, I went back to my place and...

THERE. WAS. MOLD. EVERWHERE!

Green mold, white mold, yellow mold, black mold. Mold In the draws, on the walls, in the cabinets even growing on the toilet. I’d left a cup of water out and there was a film of mold on the top of it … What in the entire f*ck? If there was a mold monster horror film. This would be it!

So, I told my landlord I was moving out and looking back I wish I would’ve sued his ass, because there is no way that’s a new problem. Anywayyy, I’m back at my parents. They've bought me an RV which I’ve been working on renovating and it’s nice to have my own space but it still feels like something is missing.

On top of that, I keep getting these random "knowings" about random things that I didn’t know I knew. Like the fact were all comprised of carbon, hydrogen, oxygen and all the other things that make up the stars. And things like ego deaths and the cosmic giggle. Then, every time a new knowing comes (I’ve been calling them downloads) it’s like my body short circuits and I end up having to go to sleep immediately no matter where I am and it’s never enough sleep.

…Nothing is ever enough. *sighs*

I’ve gone down to working per diem in the group homes because dealing with other peoples stuff is exhausting, especially on top of what ever is going on with me.

I feel like a different person everyday. And like, I can’t talk to anyone because I’ll probably end up locked away somewhere…again.

——

Last night I impulsively shaved my head and now the ‘downloads’ are flooding in even more and what's weird is, now, I like it. It’s feels like I’m floating in some in between space . Now when I model I'm literally giving paid to meditate and sit with these new thoughts.

However, when I do speak, I can’t shut up 😩 I keep word vomiting these things i now know to anyone who’ll listen and most of the time am met with wide eyed looks of concern or an ever so dismissive “It’s not that deep”. But it is! ITS ALL THAT DEEP!

I don’t understand why or what is happening ...

Why does the this life feel so foreign even though it’s all I’ve ever known?

I’m not self harming any more but the same nagging emptiness is like a persistent itch and every day l just want to go home. But I am home.. Aren't I? Or this planet not my…. you k now what, never mind.

At this point I’m just taking it day by day. I’ve been keeping candles and incents lit and doing something I found out is called astra projection. I’ve become a documentary junkie and each one feel like its shocking open new space inside me. I’m pretty sure my family senses something and my nan is not feeling it AT ALL. but idk, nothing about this energy feels wrong. Other than the quiet emptiness, I feel light and quite open.

I do feel very alone. But strangely not lonley. I've been spending most time by myself, inside or in nature or on random drives at random hours. A few days ago I went and sat on the top of my car in a parking lot just because and it was one of the best days in while.

And I can literally feel EVERYTHING... Like sounds and colors and other people emotions, to the point I’ve stoped going into the city even tho it’s was once my favorite place.

Idk what is going on but something is changing permanently.

Hopefully for the better...